Monthly Archives: July 2014

Temptation and Lust

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Temptation and Lust

 

Over the last couple of months, I’ve been going through a spiritual battle. The battle was between my spirit and flesh. Throughout the battle, I often wondered where God was, but the truth is halfway through the battle he left my side to let me have a go at the battle alone. He did this, I believe, because I fought so hard to get my way, and momentarily forgot about his will and purpose for my life. I won’t reveal what I was tempted by and lusted after in this post, but if you’ve ever been tempted by the lust of the flesh or the lust of the eye, you can relate. As soon as I stopped trying to do things my way instead of God’s, God told me to go aside and rest while he calmed the storm (my heartache and pain). Yet at times…

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The angry black woman

When I read how black women are described online and when I hear people’s opinions about us, it makes me sick. I feel like us as black women have to go an extra mile when it comes to proving to the world that we do not let our emotions get in the way of the decisions we make. I also feel like we are not allowed to be upset about something without being judged and to me, this is a problem.

I am a black woman, and I am not angry. But I do believe I have a right to be angry by times and I shouldn’t be feared for that. When people finally get to know you, they realize (and tell you) that “after all, you’re not as angry as you look”. And when such judgemental things about me come out of their mouth, I either choose to remain silent, or I answer “you see what you allow your mind to see”. Often times they don’t understand what I mean, and I don’t mind it because it just proves my point.

Society obeys to the laws of prejudice and they’re trying to make it look like it’s normal. I may sound angry (which I am not), but this is a mild, but an actual form of racism. I don’t understand how we’ve come to this point where it is acceptable for others to disrespect us and be openly racist and we do not respond, nor do we act upon it. This is sad, especially when we think about what our ancestors had to go through for us to be able to live the life that we live now. I don’t buy into the whole “you’re lucky to be educated and be where you are, so shut up and live” unspoken speech we get through looks when we decide to take a stand. I think there’s still a lot that needs to be done and it starts in the mind. It starts with education. It starts with dealing with the prejudice that states that black women are angry women.

The ups and the downs

You know how in life you get ups and you get downs? It’s crazy how it just feels like you’re on a roller coaster or something. For me, it feels as bad when I’m high on the hill as when I’m deep down in the valley. When I’m on top of my game, I tend to think about the fact that the low is coming, that it’s right around the corner waiting for me to pass by. It’s a bit depressing by times, but I can’t help but think like that. And when I’m on my downs… let’s just not go there. This has got to be one of the worst feelings in life: I feel bad, but I actually think I deserve to feel bad. So what I usually do is suck it in and live it up.
The moment you realize it’s not okay to feel comfortable in this dark area of life, you start valuing yourself more. You understand that you have more worth, that God created you for a purpose and it has to be fulfilled. He’s the one in control and (whether you accept it or not) He’s gonna remain in control because you on your own, cannot control your whole life. Friends come and go. People are going to disappoint you. You’re gonna get hurt at times, but you’ve gotta get back on your feet and get up because the show must go on.
I’ve been down before. By down I mean deep into places I never thought my mind could reach. And the worst part is that it all happens in the mind, where no one can actually get. So long as you do not get help, not many people will notice. And if you’re as good as an actress as I am, people will even think you’re doing just fine. But I went so low, only immeasurable power could get me out of there. I would look happy during the day, and be depressed at night because of the way others would treat me. I remember one time when I started asking myself questions as to what would be their reaction if I died. And slowly these thoughts started to creep their way in my mind and slowly I would go to that when people would hurt me. I wasn’t even aware of the problem, but God delivered me anyway. I wasn’t ready to admit that I was having suicidal thoughts when He came and filled my soul with love and kindness. He poured it out and I felt it over me like never before.
That’s why I don’t ever wanna go back to these dark corners. I’ve left them for good and nothing that people say or do will ever make me go back there. Nothing. I really needed to write this message because I feel like as humans we tend to forget a lot, and writing stuff down relaxes me and makes every thing feel a little more formal. So now I formally declare that Jesus has already won this fight, all I gotta do is stay on His side and He’ll protect me.