The ups and the downs

You know how in life you get ups and you get downs? It’s crazy how it just feels like you’re on a roller coaster or something. For me, it feels as bad when I’m high on the hill as when I’m deep down in the valley. When I’m on top of my game, I tend to think about the fact that the low is coming, that it’s right around the corner waiting for me to pass by. It’s a bit depressing by times, but I can’t help but think like that. And when I’m on my downs… let’s just not go there. This has got to be one of the worst feelings in life: I feel bad, but I actually think I deserve to feel bad. So what I usually do is suck it in and live it up.
The moment you realize it’s not okay to feel comfortable in this dark area of life, you start valuing yourself more. You understand that you have more worth, that God created you for a purpose and it has to be fulfilled. He’s the one in control and (whether you accept it or not) He’s gonna remain in control because you on your own, cannot control your whole life. Friends come and go. People are going to disappoint you. You’re gonna get hurt at times, but you’ve gotta get back on your feet and get up because the show must go on.
I’ve been down before. By down I mean deep into places I never thought my mind could reach. And the worst part is that it all happens in the mind, where no one can actually get. So long as you do not get help, not many people will notice. And if you’re as good as an actress as I am, people will even think you’re doing just fine. But I went so low, only immeasurable power could get me out of there. I would look happy during the day, and be depressed at night because of the way others would treat me. I remember one time when I started asking myself questions as to what would be their reaction if I died. And slowly these thoughts started to creep their way in my mind and slowly I would go to that when people would hurt me. I wasn’t even aware of the problem, but God delivered me anyway. I wasn’t ready to admit that I was having suicidal thoughts when He came and filled my soul with love and kindness. He poured it out and I felt it over me like never before.
That’s why I don’t ever wanna go back to these dark corners. I’ve left them for good and nothing that people say or do will ever make me go back there. Nothing. I really needed to write this message because I feel like as humans we tend to forget a lot, and writing stuff down relaxes me and makes every thing feel a little more formal. So now I formally declare that Jesus has already won this fight, all I gotta do is stay on His side and He’ll protect me.

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